


War

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-09
Updated: 2012-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-29 07:01:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Young and carefree Shannon didn’t think anything would ever change, and then on the day of his eighteenth birthday, everything he knew changed in an instant</p>
            </blockquote>





	War

**Author's Note:**

> In this fiction Tomo is only one year younger then Shannon and he and Tim are the same age. Jared is the same age as Tomo. It worked better for the story. This story deals with the subject of war all thoughts and opinions are MINE and MINE ALONE!! Not Beta’d…all mistakes are mine.

In my younger years my life was perfect, of as perfect as life can be when you were eighteen and thought you had the whole world ahead of you. I had just graduated high school, had the love of an amazing young man and between the two of us we were more then ready to take on the up coming challenges of life. I was happy, I was carefree and not once did I ever stop to think about the on going war escalating in another country or the way that it changed other carefree lives in an instant. I was clueless and naive and I didn’t care, but on the day of my eighteenth birthday, I was given a harsh reality check and my life was never the same again.

 

“Happy birthday Shan” I heard my boyfriend cry out as he came all over my hand and stomach, my dick filling his ass at the same time.

 

“Happy birthday indeed” My smiled winded as I pulled out, smacking him playfully on his ass cheek before falling down beside him. “Jesus…that was amazing” I smiled, taking the joint that he handed me, taking a big drag before handing it back. “I don’t know what the fuck was in those pills but I don’t think that I’ve ever come so hard in my life”

 

“No shit” Tomo agreed, taking a final drag before tossing the rest in a coke can on the dresser, crawling across the bed until he was lying in my arms. “I love you Shannon” He smiled a huge goofy smile, the same smile that caused me to fall in love with him so many years before hand.

 

“I love you too Tomo” I replied, sharing a kiss with him before he curled into my chest, falling asleep instantly. It was a little while before I was able to fall asleep thinking about how wonderful my life was and how it was about to get even better once Tomo graduated from high school the next year. We had an amazing plan set out for us, with the two of us moving to California and starting a band. We didn’t plan to make it big or anything, just popular enough to give us money to eat and have fun. I was young and stupid and thought that was all we needed to be happy, but I soon found out how wrong I was.

 

I didn’t even hear the knock upon the door, only heard my younger brother screaming my name, a tone to his voice that sent my blood cold. Nearly knocking a sleeping Tomo to the floor, I raced down the hallway of the home the two of us shared with our grandmother, trying like mad to find out what was distressing him so much. “Jared…” I cried out, rounding the hallway in only my boxer shorts, my heart nearly exploding in my chest at what I saw before me.

 

“Shannon Leto?” I heard a man dressed in full military garb speak to me. I couldn’t say anything as I looked from his face to his hand, already knowing what he held within it without seeing it.

 

“No…” I cried out, stepping back in shock and fear as he stepped forward and placed the envelope against my chest.

 

“Shannon Leto…you have been drafted into this United States army. You are to report for duty one week from today” He didn’t wait for me to speak or respond as he took his leave, the envelope fluttering to the ground in his wake.

 

My world was spinning around me and I didn’t know if it was from the drugs I had taken earlier or the fact that all the blood seemed to be rushing into my brain. “Shannon…” I vaguely heard someone call me, my eyes unfocused as they darted from side to side. “Shannon…” Another voice cried out to me, my mind a whirling mess where nothing made sense anymore. “Shannon…come on baby…come back to me” I figured the other voice to be my boyfriend as I shook my head in order to clear the shock a bit, my fears totally confirmed at the tearful face I saw in front of me.

 

“It’s real?” I asked, not even recognizing my own voice.

 

“It’s real…” He responded, grabbing my hand and jerking me back onto my unsteady feet. “Come on…we have to pack and get out of here before they try and take you away from me” I heard his words, but they made no sense as I continued to stand there. “Shannon…what the fuck are you waiting for?” He smacked me hard across the face, reality coming into sharp view finally. “Come on…we have to go” I heard him say again.

 

“Go…go where Tomo?” I asked, trying to keep my feet about me as he dragged me back towards my bedroom.

 

“Canada…” He answered, jerking open my closet.

 

“Canada?” I repeated, watching as he threw an old and beat up suitcase at me, pulling my clothes by the handful off of the hangers before tossing them at me.

 

“Yes Canada…” He continued with his frenzied task. “They can’t draft you if you are living in another country. We can move there and start a life” He spoke as if it was the most natural thing in the world, my head still trying to wrap around the letter I held within my hand. Opening it, I read the words alerting me to the fact that I had in fact been drafted and was to report for a physical examination one week later. “Shannon are you fucking listening to me? Help me pack up your shit so we can stop by my house and get mine” Tomo was frantic, trying desperately to shove my clothes into the small case, my baby brother standing in the doorway of my room, silent but the look upon his face saying more then words ever could.

 

“Tomo wait…” I grabbed onto his hand, stilling him from what he was trying to do. “We need to talk about this” I finally got my wits about me, motioning for Jared to leave so I could talk to the man that I loved.

 

“Talk…what the fuck is there to talk about?” He was so agitated, his eyes wide and scared. “There isn’t anything to talk about. We have to go. They can’t take you away from me Shannon. We have a plan…we have a fucking plan” He fell to the floor tears blazing down his face as I slide down beside him and held him close. The two of us just sat there crying for a long time before he spoke again. “Don’t tell me that you are even considering staying and allowing them to suck you into this evil war?”

 

I knew Tomo’s stance on the war because it was mine as well, but for reason’s I didn’t understand at the time and as much as I hated the idea of being pulled into a war I didn’t believe in, I still had my pride. “It’s the law baby” I spoke words I never thought that I would hear myself say since Jared and I were one hundred percent hippies, having been raised by my grandmother, the self proclaimed hippie priestess herself.

 

“It’s the law” He screamed, pushing away from me, his eyes even larger and full of rage. “It’s the law” He repeated again. “It’s the law of the fucked Government that put us in this predicament in the first place” His rant continued, his anger spiking. “We are going to Canada Shannon and that is all there is to that” Once again he started shoving my clothes in my case, punching me in the face when I tried to stop him. “Why? Why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me? You said you loved me” Huge tears ran down his face, but I stayed on the ground here the weight of his punch landed me, not knowing what to say or do.

 

“I do love you Tomo” I finally spoke. “But I can’t run off to Canada with you”

 

“Why the fuck not?” He screamed, dropping the clothes in his hands to the floor.

 

“I don’t know…I just can’t. I have to do this” I continued to speak, words that made no sense and yet at the same time made all the sense in the world because it felt as if it was what I was meant to do. “Maybe I can make a change while I am there. Maybe I can…”

 

“Get yourself fucking killed” He cut me off, turning to face me with a look of pure hate upon his face. “You want to fucking do this Shannon…then do it…but you and I are over if you do. I refuse to be with a man that supports a war that I don’t believe in”

 

“Tomo…don’t say that” I finally got up off of the floor and went towards him, trying to take him in my arms, but finding the floor once again when another punch landed on my chest.

 

“I mean it Shannon…it’s either me or the draft. You choose” I could tell he meant ever word, the once loving and sweet seventeen year old that I loved, looking like Satan standing before me. I Didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say and before I knew it, Tomo was storming out of my life, but not before cursing me out and calling me names that I never in my life would have believed to come from a mouth that had been kissing me so passionately only thirty minutes before that.

 

“Why are you doing this Shannon?” I heard Jared’s tearful question as he once again stood in my doorway, looking devastated and lost.

 

“I honestly don’t know” I replied truthfully, holding him close when he fell to his knees at my side, wrapping himself within my arms.

 

 

My mind was on Tomo a week later as I was examined from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet by so many doctors that I lost count. I was asked question upon question, until eventually they all blended into one and till this day I still have no idea what I answered. Several hours into the day, a group of us were sworn into the United States Army, the rest of the day a blur as we were shuffled from one place to another, where I lost my hair, my clothes and my identity. By the end of the day I was on a bus going towards a place where I was to learn the tools needed to survive a war I still wasn’t sure I wanted to be part of.

 

Boot camp was quick and one of the most horrible situations I had yet to be in. We woke up at the crack of dawn, running constantly throughout the day, eating little, while angry men known as Drill Instructors called me all sorts of names and belittled me constantly. I was exhausted mentally and physically, not caring about anything but sleep at the end of the day, dreading the idea that a few short hours later I would have to relive it all over again. A week in we were assigned guns, heavy pieces of metal that were supposed to save my life by taking someone else’s. I struggled daily with my emotions and beliefs, somehow getting through each day, but feeling that I was losing a little more of me with each one that passed. Four weeks later I was on a plane, headed to a country to fight in a war that I knew nothing about. The plane trip was long, with several stops along the way. I was so exhausted by the time we actually landed in the country that was to be my home for the next year, but there was no time to sleep as I was shuttled onto a bus and driven deeper into a war that I truly wanted no part of.

 

I felt hated from the first moment that I got there. I was hated by the countrymen who would rather have me dead then fighting in their homeland and I was hated by the soldiers who had been there serving their time. I was labeled as a FNG…fucking new guy and treated like I was nothing but a piece of shit. I didn’t understand it at first, since like me, most of them had been drafted into the war, but as the days turned into months it began to make sense. The new guys were a liability to them, none of them wanting to deal with us because with one little fuck up we could be dead or they could. You weren’t accepted until you made your first kill and as much as I told myself I would never take another human life, after only two weeks there, I did just that.

 

We had been patrolling all morning though muddy marshes and wooded areas so full of bugs and heat that I felt I would pass out. The heat was horrible as we marched onward, looking for god knew what and praying like hell at the same time that we never found it. I had only been there two weeks and luckily I hadn’t seen much of anything, all that changed in an instant at the sound of a gun shot, the man standing beside me falling dead to the ground. I didn’t know what was happening as we scrambled for cover, everyone shooting and screaming as we tried to find out where the sniper shot had come from. I was near shitting myself as I tried to come to terms with the fact that the man that had been walking beside me all morning was dead and just how close I could have been to being that man.

 

It was total chaos as we were ordered to trudge deeper into the woods, still looking for the person or person’s who had started it all. Everyone was on full alert, a shower of bullets flying nearby as we were shot at once again. It was madness as the shooters were spotted, us chasing them down, they running and shooting right back at us. My gun felt heavy as I ran along with the other men, shooting at anything and everything in order to stay alive. It happened so fact that I wasn’t even sure it had happened until I felt the bullet graze the skin of my left shoulder, several bullets from my own gun, bursting through the man who had shot me. I watched as he hit the ground, unmoving, not breathing with dead eyes that stared up at me with so much hate that it frightened me. “He’s been hit” I heard someone scream, falling to the ground as a pain so severe ripped through my entire body.

 

I didn’t really know what was going on, as I was grabbed by two men, drug under a tree before the arm of my fatigues was ripped off. In slow motion I looked to my left, a wave of nausea washing over me at the amount of blood I saw there. “You’re ok” I heard someone say as I looked up and found a pair of blue eyes staring back at me. “It’s only a flesh wound and you got the fucking bastard that shot you” He was smiling and I couldn’t help but smile back, because his eyes in a sense reminded me of my baby brother’s. “What’s your name?” He asked, the first person to ever ask my name since I had arrived there.

 

“Sh…Shannon Leto” I stammered, gritting my teeth as a bandage was placed upon my arm.

 

“Well it’s nice to meet you Leto” He smiled again. “Names Tim Kelleher…but everyone calls me Doc”

 

“Cause you a medic?” I asked, trying to keep my mind off the pain.

 

“Nope…not a medic…just someone who can doctor a wound like nothing” He grinned even wider, smacking me on my good shoulder once he was done. “All patched up…now lets go” I didn’t say anything, just followed his lead. We marched the rest of the day before going back to our barracks, thankfully without incident or ambush. Later that night as I lay in my bunk, I couldn’t stop thinking about the man that I had killed, wondering what it was he had left behind. I wondered if he had a family, friends, a life, people who would miss him now that he was dead at my hands. I fought the urge to vomit as I sat up, still trying to make sense of everything and why I was still there. “The more you think of it, the crazier it will make you” I heard a familiar voice speak, handing me a can of warm beer as he sat down beside me.

 

“It’s just hard not to” I said, downing the beer in three gulps, wishing like hell that it was more then just an off brand can of alcohol.

 

“It was your first kill?” He asked, nodding in return when I nodded in reply. “My first one was hard as well. The fucker had gotten three of my friends before I was able to blow his ass away” I could hear the anger in his voice and see it on his face once he finally looked over at me. “It was either you or him and I am glad that it was him” He patted me on the back, smiling at me once again and I knew right then and there that he and I were going to become fast friends.

 

I got to know Tim really well over the next few months; he and I never more then a stones throw away from each other. After my first kill and thanks to Tim I was accepted into the fold of my unit, becoming friends with many of the others there as well. I still hated being there with an undying passion, but it helped to be wanted, helped to feel part of a unit because we were all there for the same reason. I was dubbed with the nickname “Country” because despite the fact that I hated being there, I was completely in awe of the landscape around me.

 

“So country…you got a girl back home?” Tim asked me on day as we were marching.

 

“No…” I answered quickly, walking ahead of him a bit because I didn’t want to have the conversation I knew was coming.

 

“So who’s Tomo?” He asked, smiling at me once he caught up with me.

 

“I don’t know” I lied, cursing myself internally because I knew I had been muttering in my sleep.

 

“Well whoever she is…you sure do cry out her name a lot at night” He laughed, punching me in the shoulder, ignoring the dirty look I shot him. “It’s kind of exotic…I bet she’s dark and beautiful” He continued.

 

“Very dark and beautiful” I smiled, recalling the dark hair and beautiful chocolate eyes I could never get enough of in what I felt were my much younger and carefree days, despite the fact that it had only been less then a year.

 

“Then how come you never talk about her? You’ve heard me drone on and on about my girlfriend…come on man share” He laughed, still walking beside me and having no idea how much pain he was digging up from my past. I still loved and missed Tomo with every fiber of my being, writing to him weekly in hopes of getting a response and yet I never did. “What kind of name is that? I bet you have some stories to tell of wild nights and…”

 

“We broke up” I stopped him before he could do any further. “Differences over the war. It’s over and I don’t want to talk about it anymore” I glared at him, rushing off to catch up with a few others that were ahead of us. I didn’t talk to Tim the rest of the day, even ignoring him later that night as we set up camp.

 

“I’m sorry Shannon” I heard him say softly, standing beside my rolled out sleeping bag, holding a box out to me. “Peace offering” He smiled as I grabbed the box, already knowing what was in it without having to open it.

 

“Sit down you asshole” I smiled around the chocolate chip cookie I was stuffing into my mouth. “When you write you mom back tell her how much I love her” I smiled a chocolate grin, shoveling another cookie into my mouth before handing the box back to Tim. “Jesus…you’re so lucky to have goodie boxes coming in from your mom and your girlfriend…spoiled son of a bitch”

 

“I know…I am lucky” He sighed with his own smile as he pulled his knees into his chest. We sat in silence for a while, until I couldn’t stand it anymore. “I haven’t seen my mother in about two years” I began to talk, knowing that I could talk to Tim about just about anything without him judging me. “She’s this free spirit that just rolls wherever the wind might take her. I have no idea where she is…who she is with or if she even knows that I am here” I sighed, rolling onto my side as I laid my head upon my hand. “I was raised in a hippy commune where free love and free thought are all that matters. I was raised to hate violence and war and yet here I am fighting a war that makes no sense to me”

 

“Why?” He asked, stunning me for a bit because he was so serious. “I mean…why did you show up for the examinations when you could have taken off to Canada and lived a life with your…Tomo” He spoke the last word cautiously.

 

“I thought about it” I replied, treading carefully because I didn’t want to tip off who I considered my best friend to the fact that I was a homosexual. “We broke up because I decided that my pride for myself and my country was more important” Looking away I closed my eyes and forced the tears wanting to rain down my face away. “It was the hardest decision that I had to make” My voice cracked as I looked over at Tim, expecting to find ridicule, only finding understanding.

 

“Well I know this probably means nothing to you…but I am glad that you’re here Shannon and that you’ve become my friend” I could tell that he meant every word at the glistening of wetness I saw within his eyes.

 

“Thank you Tim” I whispered as I sat up, hugged him quickly before rushing off to the hole in the ground we called a bathroom for some private time.

 

My life after that became somewhat normal, if marching and fighting day in and day out can be normal, but for me at that time, it was. The war was escalating and so was the fighting. I had seen men die and had almost died myself a time or two. I was starting to become just as scarred on the inside as I was on the outside. I had killed so many men that I had lost count and as the days and the months passed, I found that I hardly cared anymore. It was either me or them and as much as I felt everyone’s life was precious, mine was even more so. Tim and I continued to bond, the two of us sharing everything and saving each other’s lives on more then once occasion. I was close to all the men in my unit, but there was something there between Tim and I that was amazing and I was so happy to have him in my life. I didn’t think that there was anything that would come between the two of us and then one night the only secret I held from him came to light and I just knew that the bond between the two of us was over for good.

 

The problem was that I was so fucking horny and with no other homosexuals around me, I felt alone and fully frustrated. I still missed Tomo more then I could ever explain, despite the fact that he had broken my heart and looked at his picture in the dark nightly. I was surprised that the men in my unit hadn’t caught on yet as to what I was because each time an offer of sex was set upon me by the woman of each city we entered, I declined. I told them it was because I was worried about catching the clap or any of the other nasty venereal diseases that were wide spread out there, but the fact of the matter was that none of those women could have gotten me off no matter how much they tried. They gave me shit of course, but each time Tim was there to thwart them off and with each one my feelings for him began to change. I fought them for as long as I could, telling myself that I was confusing friendship for more then that, but my heart was always telling me something different. The fact was that I didn’t want to know what it was because as far as I was concerned once my tour was over, I was out of there and I was never looking back.

 

I was so tired late one night as Tim and I hung out at a bar in one of the cities we had taken over, halfway drunk and trying to control my urges to take Tim right there over the bar and fuck him senseless. With each drink that I swallowed, I found it harder and harder to control myself until I announced rather loudly that I had to leave. Tim wanted to come with me, following the buddy system and all, but I had business to take care of and the last thing I needed was Tim to see what I was about to do. I left him in the bar, finding what I hoped to be a secluded place where I could jerk myself off because I was hard and about to explode. Taking out the picture of Tomo I took hold of my dick, stroking it hard and fast because I knew that I didn’t have time to waste. I was almost there, right on the edge of exploding all over the run down building I was standing beside when I heard my name. “Shannon…what the fuck are you doing?” I heard Tim question as I picked up the pants at my ankle and ran like hell.

 

I went back to camp right away, ignoring anyone trying to talk to me because I knew once Tim came back I was going to be exposed for what I was. Lying on my bunk, I curled into my sleeping bag, wishing for some greater power to take me away, rather then having to face the firing squad known as my fellow soldiers. I don’t know how long he was gone because somehow I fell asleep, waking up much later with him sitting at the foot of my bunk holding something in his hand. “You dropped this” He said, handing the picture of Tomo to me. I couldn’t even look in his eyes as I took it, shoving it into one of my boots off towards the side of the bunk. “Shannon…” He said my name softly, forcing me to look up at him. “Have I been such a horrible friend that you didn’t think you could trust me with the truth?” His words stunned me, but what got to me the most was just how hurt he sounded as he said them.

 

“I wasn’t sure how you’d react” I spoke, sitting up so we were closer together and no one could hear us. “It’s not like I can just tell anyone that I am gay and they accept it”

 

“Yeah…I understand that” He said, looking me dead in the eye before speaking again. “But just so you know…it doesn’t bother me and it won’t change the way that I think or feel about you”

 

“Thanks man…” I smiled, my heart doing somersaults within my chest forcing me to lie back down before I really did something to out myself. True to his word, nothing changed between us and I finally admitted for the first time to myself that I was falling in love with the man who was my best friend.

 

I had been in Nam for eight months when we got word that we were finally going to get some leave time as we each packed up and prepared for a very short three day vacation. All of us were excited and playful on the plane that took us to our vacation paradise, ready to expel our pent up energies in more ways then one. Truthfully it wasn’t much to look at, just a small town that looked as if it had seen better days, but it was war free and the people loved us American’s, or they just were really good a pretending they did. The woman were all over us the moment that we got there, trying to sell their bodies for sex and as expected all of my buddies paid their fee and had their fun, except for Tim and I. Tim used the excuse he had his girlfriend back home and was remaining faithful, and I just ignored their teasing as I walked into my hotel room intending to sleep at least one day away before finding someone to suck my dick and if I was lucky enough allow me to fuck them as well.

 

As planned Tim and I slept most of the first day away, checking out some of the town before we had dinner and drinks later that night. Afterwards I told Tim that I was going to take a walk, giving him a look that I hoped told him of what I was looking to do. He seemed to understand as he nodded his head, downing the last of his drink before telling me he was going back to our room. I had spotted a place earlier that looked like some sort of a bath house and I hoped above hope that I could find someone willing to pay for play. The place was disgusting and run down as I entered it, deposited my clothing into an open locker before venturing inside. It was loaded with men of all ages and sizes, not one American among them. They looked at me oddly, sizing me up before returning back to their fucking games. I was in semi heaven as a short Asian man approached me. He wasn’t much to look at, but I didn’t care because all I wanted was his ass for as along as it took me to get off.

 

He led me to a small room, removed his clothing before asking me to lie down on a rickety looking table. I did as he asked, my dick standing at full attention as I closed my eyes and waited for him to begin his choir. Before I knew what was happening I felt something sharp at my throat as I opened my eyes and found myself staring straight into the eyes of madness. I was about to accept my fate as I closed my eyes and waited for everything to end, but a commotion caught my attention and before I knew what was going on the man trying to kill me was unconscious on the floor and Tim was jerking me off of the table, throwing my clothes at me as I dressed as quickly as I could. No words were shared as we ran down the empty streets, Tim nearly beating the shit out of me once we reached the safety of our room.

 

“Were you trying to get yourself killed you stupid mother fucker” He screamed at me, punching me all over my chest and shoulders before he grabbed onto the sides of my face and kissed the shit out of me. I tried to argue and figure out what was going on for about two seconds before I decided that nothing else mattered other then what I hoped was about to happen. We somehow made it to the bed, our clothing seeming to melt away until we were both naked and hard as rocks. I came within seconds, loud and hard and with just one simple touch, not even embarrassed because I knew it wouldn’t take long to get hard once again. We sucked and fucked and kissed each other until we were both too exhausted to move. Afterwards Tim lay on his back, head propped up on the headboard, while I laid on top of him, his arms wrapped snuggly around my chest as my head lolled against his.

 

“Something you want to tell me?” I asked with a sleepy grin, trying to stay awake, but finding it almost impossible at just how fulfilled I felt. I didn’t hear his reply as I finally fell into slumber fully content and for the first time since I left home with a real smile upon my face. I woke up the next morning to an empty bed, but my panic died away rather quickly at the humming I head coming from the bathroom.

 

“Morning Shannon…” I heard Tim acknowledge me as I walked into the room still naked, unable to keep a smile off of my face as he lounged in an oversized bathtub.

 

“Morning…” My smile widened as he reached out to me, trying to get me to join him. I had other ideas as I sat as far away as I could from him, crossing my arms over my chest as I faced him. “Care to explain last night?” I asked, controlling the urge to slide across that tub and take him once again.

 

“It was amazing wasn’t it?” He was being evasive and as much as I wanted him, it was already starting to irritate me.

 

“Tim…you know what I mean” I said with a warning to my voice. “Was last night just a pity fuck? Are you even fucking gay?” I was starting to feel a bit exposed as I stood up and tried to leave, but a hand on my calf stopped me.

 

“Last night was far from a pity fuck Shannon” Was his reply and I could tell that he meant it by the look in his eyes. “As for me being gay…well now that’s a tougher question to answer” I sat down once again, knees to chest as I waited for him to respond. “I like both men and woman…but if I had to choose I prefer men. So I guess it’s not as difficult to answer as I thought” He grinned, causing me to roll my eyes because it was such a stupid answer and yet I didn’t car as I reached out and grabbed onto his hand, jerking him forward.

 

“That is such a bullshit answer and you know it” I smiled, kissing him hungrily. We made out like mad for as long as it took to turn the water cold, showering quickly before we made our way back into the bed we had shared the night before. We fucked like animals once again, afterwards wrapped up in each others arms.

 

“I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for a while now” He spoke up, breaking the comfortable silence surrounding us. “I had always been into girls when I was younger and then one night I went to a frat party with a friend of mine and I met this guy there. He was muscular and manly and I found myself attracted to him almost instantly. We were just talking one minute and then the next I was in his dorm room and we were fucking. I thought that I would be ashamed…maybe even grossed out afterwards…but I wasn’t. I enjoyed being with him so much that the next weekend I found myself at that same frat house looking for a repeat performance. We ended up in his dorm once again and after that he showed me a side of myself that I really enjoyed. The only bad part about it was that I had a girlfriend that I loved so much…but I couldn’t stop myself. The guilt ate me up inside until I finally had to break down and tell her”

 

“She must have forgiven you because the two of you are still together” I said, running my fingers through his dark hair.

“We’re still friends…but we aren’t together anymore. I’ve just been telling everyone that so they won’t give me shit about fucking all those other woman. I know I should have told you…but after you came out to me I was afraid to say anything because I didn’t want you to think that I was just saying that to put you at ease. I wanted to tell you…but it was easier to continue with the lie” He spoke quickly, sitting up, watching me to see how I was going to react.

 

“I’m not upset Tim” I replied truthfully, because deep inside my heart it was exactly what I wanted to hear. “Far from it” I grinned, wiggling my eye brows at him.

 

“I’m glad” He smiled, still sitting away from me with a look of misery on his face.

 

“Tim…what is it?” I asked, sitting up and shifting over until we were leaning shoulder to shoulder. “You know you can tell me anything” I meant those words because I knew that I could trust Tim with my life since he had saved it time and time again since we had met each other.

 

He remained quiet for a long time, just staring into my eyes as if trying to get the courage to speak what was on his mind. What he said next caused my heart to soar and plummet in fear all in the same time. “I just want you to know that this wasn’t just a quick fuck to get off for me” He began, his eyes breaking their hold upon mine. “I’ve been fighting my feelings for you for such a long time…even before you told me you were gay because I just knew there was something special about you” His hands began to shake slightly as he wrung them together. “I’ve fallen in love with you Shannon” He blurted out, his eyes wide and fearful before they filled with sadness. “I just wanted you to know that and you don’t have to love me back because I know you still have feelings for Tomo and…”

 

“I don’t still have feelings for Tomo” I stopped him before he could continue, placing my forefinger under his chin and forcing him to look up at me. “I have feelings for you as well Tim” I replied as much of the truth as I could because the real truth was that I was head over heels in love with that man, but with the war and the uncertainty of our future I was fearful to speak it. “This isn’t just a thing for me either but…”

 

“I know…our future is so uncertain” He knew what I was thinking without having to say it.

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Ok…” He smiled, before leaning over and kissing me. We spent the rest of the afternoon in bed making love and just talking about our past and hopes for the future. It was an amazing way to spend the day, that night making love to each other over and over until we both passed out from sheer exhaustion. The next morning we were once again on a plane, heading back to the hell that had become our life.

 

My time there was growing short and as happy as I was to get the hell away from that country, I hated the idea of not seeing Tim again. He was slated to be sent him in exactly thirty days and we were both miserable for it. He was actually debating re-enlisting for another year, where I wouldn’t even consider it. “I’ve got nothing really to go back to” He said to me one night as we marched through yet another small town. I often wondered if the reason he was thinking about another tour was because I still hadn’t declared my love to him, but there was no way in hell that I was going to declare anything if he was thinking about staying. My heart couldn’t handle the stress of constantly wondering and worrying about how he was or if he was even alive.

 

There was just something ominous about that night. All the men in my unit seemed to be on edge, especially Tim who just seemed more agitated then any of us. “What’s wrong with you?” I asked as we continued to march, because without having to say I word I could read him like a book.

 

“I don’t know…something’s not right” He whispered, looking me in the eye as he moved closer towards me. “There are no birds singing…it’s just too fucking quiet” I hadn’t noticed it before but he was right, the night was extremely quiet with not a sound except for marching feet and heavy breaths. Before I even had a chance to reply, utter chaos erupted with guns blazing and bullets flying everywhere. I lost sight of Tim as we all rushed into hiding, trying to find the bastards hiding in the woods and the trees trying to kill us. I knew I should have been focusing on the enemy ahead of me, but I found myself looking everywhere for Tim, my heart about to explode from my chest in a panic when I couldn’t see him.

 

“You ok?” I heard his familiar voice ask me suddenly as he rushed over to where I was.

 

“Yeah…you?” I resisted the urge to drop my gun and pull him into my arms because I had been fucking scared to death that something had happened to him.

 

“Yeah…no worries” Squeezing my arm as we were ordered to move forward once again. I was so fucking scared as we searched for the men that always seemed to blend into the background because something was telling me that one of us wasn’t going to make it through that night. My worst fear came true as a hale of bullets started blazing all around us, two of the metal casts of death whizzing right past me and at Tim.

 

“TIM…” I cried out, watching as if in slow motion as the bullets ripped through his gear, implanting them selves into his chest. I watched, screaming out in stunned fear as his back arched my name ripping from his lips as he fell to the ground. My first instinct was to run after him and tend to him as he had me that first time we met, but my actions were hindered by another.

 

“Country…no” He screamed over the noise all around us. “He’s gone…protect yourself and the ones still living” I wanted to shoot that man for even considering saying those things to me, but instead I lost the very small shred of my dignity and ran off with my gun blazing. I didn’t hear the bullets as they flew past me, didn’t hear the men of my unit trying to coax me down, I head none of it. All I heard was my heart breaking and a monster in my mind telling me to kill the fuckers who had taken the man that I loved away from me. I was on full adrenaline and pain as I burst forward, finding a group of them preparing to kill the rest of us. I don’t remember much, just an occasion sound or feeling every now or then, but I blew the fucking shit out of all of them before a bullet to my own chest took me down as well. I didn’t remember anything after that, just that I felt happy that I had been able to do that for Tim and before I lost reality with the world, a smile crossed my face.

 

I woke up in a military hospital a few days later. I was so lost and disoriented that I really didn’t know what was going on as the world continued to fade in and out for nearly a week before I came back into it fully. When I woke up again, I found a man sitting beside my bed, upon closer look I could see that he was a higher ranking officer and he held something within his hand. “I am Commander Jack Harrison” He began, reaching out and shaking my hand as I tried to make sense of what was going on around me. “I and the United States Army would like to thank you for a job well done”

 

“Huh?” I asked, not knowing or really caring what the hell he was talking about.

 

“Your actions in battle were amazing and heroic and if not for your brave efforts and valor you entire unit would have been killed”

 

I didn’t give a shit about any of what he had to say as he handed me a blue box, a purple medal laying in it, because all I wanted to know about was Tim. “There was a guy down…Tim Kelleher…but everyone called him Doc” I began. “Can you tell me what happened to him?” I waited with such hope in my heart for him to tell me that he was ok, that watching the man that I loved take bullets to the chest was all a nightmare.

 

“I’m sorry son” He laid his hand upon my shoulder, squeezing it before taking his leave. I just lost it right there as the haunts and the pain of my entire tour began to rain all over me. I cried over my lost innocence, the country I was in that was in total chaos and most of all over the fact that I had never told Tim just how much I truly loved him. I was discharged from the Military two weeks later and as the plane touched down on American soul, I found myself feeling so lost and alone and desperate to be happy again.

 

Coming home was an even more surreal experience then going to war in that the moment that I walked into the airport I was bombarded by dirty looks, hateful glares and an occasional ugly remark. I just ignored them knowing that the uniform that I was wearing gave me away, but I didn’t care. I had done my time, had defended my country and no matter how awful they tried to make me feel, I refused to let them break my pride.

 

I had no idea what I wanted to do as I walked out into the beautiful Louisiana sunlight, standing on the street corner, my mind reeling and racing. I was torn because one part of me wanted to go home and just forget the previous nine months and yet a part of me felt a calling to go elsewhere. I gave into the later part as I walked back into the terminal, purchased a plane ticket and waited to board.

 

I sat in the driveway for nearly an hour before someone came up to the car I had rented. I watched as a middle aged woman tapped on the glass, jerking me out of my thoughts as I found myself lost in an almost familiar pair of blue eyes. “Are you going to sit here all day or are you going to come in?” She asked, a small smile playing across her face as she opened the door for me. “It’s good to meet you Shannon” She hugged me quickly before taking my hand and leading me towards the house. I couldn’t think of anything to say as she led me into the home that Tim had grown up in, ushering me onto a small couch before sitting down beside me.

 

“How do you know who I am?” I asked, tears glistening in my eyes as I took in the homey feel of her home.

 

“You look exactly as Tim described you in his letters” She smiled sadly, still holding my hand as she clutched it to her chest. “Dark hair, devilishly handsome and a pair of hazel eyes that can see into your soul”

 

“He said all of that?” I blushed, a small smile playing at my own lips as I recalled the love that I felt for him.

 

“And more” Her own smile widened before she let go of my hand, reaching forward and hugging me once again. “You have no idea how happy I was that he found love over there in that god forsaken place” She spoke against my ear, holding me tighter. “Oh…where are my manners” She cried out a few moments later, jumping up off of the couch, arranging herself quickly. “You must be hungry after your trip. Would you like something to eat or drink?”

 

I hadn’t really eaten anything in days, but I was more exhausted then hungry as I got up and stood before her. “No thank you Mrs. Kelleher. I really should get going and find a place to stay for the night. It was really nice to meet you” I went to hug her but I didn’t get the chance as she pushed me away, a look of annoyance on her pretty face.

 

“You’ll do no such thing young man” She scolded me, hands on hips and for the second time that afternoon I saw the resemblance Tim had to his mother. “You will stay right here. You can stay in Tim’s room…he would have wanted it that way” She smiled quickly before taking my hand once again and leading me upstairs into a small bedroom. I was hit with a spiraling mess of emotions as I stepped inside, Tim’s childhood converging on me at every corner. “Music and animals…he loved them” She explained at the animal figurines covering one end and the musical instruments covering the other. “He used to joke all the time that he was going to be a musical veterinarian” Tears glistened within her eyes as she got a far away look on her face. “He could never decide if he wanted to pursue working with animals or his music”

 

“This kind of explains how he got the nickname “Doc” I smiled as I walked over towards the desk at the end of the room, picking up a book on addressing animal wounds. Closing my eyes, I drew in a deep breath, the onslaught of tears causing my heart to ache painfully.

 

“You should rest” She spoke up, taking the book from me and placing it exactly where it had been. “You can hang your clothes in the closet over there and the sheets are clean. I’ll come up and wake you in a few hours for dinner”

 

“Mrs. Kelleher…I…”

 

“Sleep…” She cut me off before I could finish, looking like what I would have expected a normal mother to look like.

 

“Thank you…” I smiled, kissing her quickly on the cheek before she took her leave. The moment that she was gone, I sat down on the edge of what had once been Tim’s bed and cried. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and I was too exhausted to care as I slid under the covers, closed my eyes and dreamed of the man that I missed with my entire being.

 

I hadn’t realized how exhausted I had been until I woke up nearly two days later, ravenous and ready to eat just about anything in my path. Tim’s mother had tried to wake me up several times during my sleep, but she said that she could never get a response from me and so she just figured that my body needed rest and she let me sleep. She looked so happy to see me when I finally emerged that I couldn’t help but get a bit misty eyed because I had never really had a true mother figure in my life growing up. She immediately ushered me into the kitchen where she filled my rumbling belly with good old fashioned eats before insisting I lounge around on the couch the rest of the day. It felt strange having her dote on me, but at the same time I loved ever minute of it. Before I knew it a week had passed and I felt absolutely horrible for overstaying my welcome. I had intended to pack my shit up and hit the road, not ready to go back home and yet having no idea where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do with my life.

 

The morning I had intended to leave, Tim’s mother had run off to the grocery store, telling me that she wouldn’t let me leave on an empty stomach. I had tried to fight her, but as expected I lost as she kissed me on the cheek and left me alone in the house. I really hated to leave her and the home that Tim had grown up in, but I knew that I had no choice. Walking around I took in everything that I could, my heart stopping dead in my chest at a picture pegged to a cork board in the hallway that I hadn’t noticed before. Tears glistened within my ears as I recalled the day that the picture was taken. It was a picture of Tim and I leaning against a jeep, arms around each other, huge smiles upon our faces. It was a few days after our vacation of discovery and there was no denying the love that sang out from both of our eyes. My legs grew wobbly as I stumbled onto a nearby kitchen chair, clutching the picture tightly within my hand.

 

“I just received it yesterday” I heard Tim’s mother whisper beside me, tears in her eyes as well. “The mail always comes weeks late” She explained, but I already knew about the military mailing system.

 

“I never told him that I loved him” I said the words that were plaguing my heart.

 

“He knew Shannon” She assured, pulling up a chair besides me.

 

“How could he?” I asked, staring dead into her eyes, not even trying to hide my tears. “He told me over and over again how much he loved me and not once did I ever say it back”

 

I watched as he got up, thinking that she was leaving me in anger, only to return a moment later with a letter in her hand. She didn’t say anything as she opened the letter, taking a deep breath before reading the lines before her. “Enclosed you will find a picture of Shannon and I…” She began. “Now you can see for yourself just how handsome he truly is. The truth of that matter is that the picture really doesn’t do him justice…but trust me when I tell you that he’s a looker” I had to chuckle at those word, wiping at the tears pouring down my cheeks. “I’m still can’t believe that I found love in this hell hole…but I have and it’s amazing. He’s amazing and sweet and kind and…well I could gush on like a little girl forever…but you get the point. He just brings this side out of me constantly. I love him so much mom and he loves me too…despite the fact that he has yet to utter those words to me. The truth is that he doesn’t have too because all I have to do is look into those amazing eyes of his and I see it very plainly. He’s afraid to say them because who knows what our future holds for us…but I know that no matter what I have to do, we are going to be together once our tour is over. I can’t wait for you to meet him because I know you will love him as much as I do…”

 

I was a sobbing wreck as she closed the letter and placed it back in the envelope. “You have to know that I loved him very much” I said, wanting to prove to her that I felt the same about her son.

 

“I have no doubts Shannon” She whispered against my ear, the two of us holding on tightly as we cried over the loss of the man we both loved dearly.

 

I never left that day; in fact I stayed with Tim’s mother for nearly six months before I got an unexpected visitor. After that day in the kitchen I just couldn’t bring myself to leave. I didn’t know what was holding me back from going back home, but something was and I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I had written my Grandmother several times while living there because she never saw fit to have a phone installed in our home. She said that she understood and in true hippie form she told me to go where the wind took me. Jared had left home right after I had left for Nam and moved to California and was beginning to make quite a name for him self over there. He had been cast in a few short films and because of it he was well sought after. I hadn’t heard from him since I had left, but he was happy and his life was good, so I was happy for him.

 

“So what are you plans for today?” I heard Tim’s mother ask me one afternoon as I walked into the living room after a shower. I had been working on her house pretty much non-stop, making repairs and sprucing it up since nothing had been done since Tim had been deployed.

 

“Nothing really” I replied, sitting down on the couch, showing her the book I held within my hand. “Thought that I would read for a bit and then head off to bed. I want to clean out the flower bed in the front of the house tomorrow and then if I have time plant some flowers”

 

“Shannon…you don’t have to keep doing all of this” She said.

 

“I know…but it keeps me busy and I don’t mind” I smiled at her, my stomach clenching because I could tell that something was bothering her. “You ok?”

 

“Yeah…fine” She replied, standing up and walking towards the kitchen. “Oh…we’re having a visitor for dinner tonight” She called out over her shoulder.

 

“Yeah…Stephanie coming over?” I questioned about Tim’s former girlfriend whom I had gotten to know quite well since I had been there.

 

“No…someone else” I could tell she was being dodgy, but I didn’t pursue it as I sat down on the couch and prepared to read my book. “Get that will you” She called out from the kitchen as I put my book on the coffee table and went to see who was at the front door. “Jared…” I cried out as I opened the door and found my younger brother standing before me. I didn’t get a chance to say anything else as a pair of arms wrapped around my neck, cutting off my air flow, but I didn’t care because since I had come back from the war, I felt as if I was finally home.

 

“This is such a glorious day” I heard Tim’s mother exclaim behind us as Jared and I continued to hold each other. I couldn’t stop crying at just how happy I was to see him and as I pulled back and took a good full look at him, I could tell that he felt the same way. “Come…come…sit down” She fussed about us, forcing the two of us to break apart as he led us to the couch. “Get reacquainted while I finish dinner”

 

“You look amazing” I told him, taking in the full picture of a man that was no longer my scrawny baby brother. He was tan and fit and for a brief moment a twinge of anger hit me, but it was gone just as quickly because it meant that he didn’t have to deal with the war in any sense and for that I was thankful. “What’s with this?” I asked, tugging on the full grown beard upon his face, laughing at the roll eyes I got as a response.

 

“Believe it or not I had to grow it so those fuckers in L.A. would stop seeing me as some goody-two shoes kid and stop placing me in stupid kiddy roles. I grew the beard, broadened my chest and now I can pretty much get any meaty role that I want”

 

“That’s wonderful Jared” I smiled, in awe and fully impressed. “There not dirty movies now are they?” I teased, so happy that my baby brother was sitting next to me that I felt as if I would explode from giddiness.

 

“Fuck that…” He replied loudly, hollering out apologizes at the clearing of a throat coming from the kitchen. “I’ve been offered some serious money to act in a porno…but there was no way that I could bring myself to do it”

 

“I’m so proud of you Jared” I knew I was gushing as I hugged him quickly, but I didn’t care because I was so fucking happy.

 

“Why haven’t you gone back home…or even fucking called me since you got back Shannon?” He spoke softly, but I could hear the hurt in his voice just the same.

 

“I don’t know” I replied truthfully. “The plane landed and I just couldn’t do it. It was like something was telling me to come here and I’m so glad that I did because I think it was what Tim wanted”

 

“Tim?” He smiled at me evilly and I knew then that he had no idea of what had happened and just who Tim was to me. “Where is this Tim since I assume this is his mother’s house?”

 

“Dead” I whispered so Tim’s mother couldn’t hear us. “Look Jared I have a lot to tell you…but it will have to wait for now. I just assumed that Tim’s mother told you everything when she spoke to you…but I can see that she didn’t” The look on his face told me that I was correct. “Let’s just get through dinner and then we can go somewhere and talk”

 

“Ok…” He replied, but I could see on his face that he was confused and didn’t know what to think. Dinner was actually a really nice experience. Jared told tale upon tale of his adventures in Hollywood, while Tim’s mother and I laughed along. I was so happy for my brother because being a star was something that he had always wanted to be and yet at the same time, I was envious and a bit angry that I hadn’t been given that chance. Jared and I were only a year apart in age, but damned if it didn’t feel like ten or maybe even a hundred years to me. The fact of that matter was that because of me in a sense Jared had been spared. The draft laws stated that if there was only one male in a family to carry on the bloodline that they could not be drafted. Because I was older and Jared was the families only other male, he was free. He wasn’t one hundred percent clear now that I had been discharged, but it seemed that the government had given certain liberties to some celebrities, Jared being one of them.

 

We excused ourselves after dinner, him and me taking a walk along the open fields behind Tim’s house. I told him everything about Tim, only certain parts about the war, because I didn’t feel that Jared could handle the full truth. I cried in his arms as we sat under a tree over the loss of the man that I loved, grateful to have one of my family with me again. He told me some more stories of his life and some of what I had missed back home. It seemed that Tomo had moved to California with Jared and had fallen into the hippie scene there. He told me that he saw him from time to time, but that it was very rare and that when he did see him, most times Tomo was too wasted to even know who he was. I felt sad for Tomo because it seemed as if he were lost and yet I still felt a flicker of anger at the way he had treated me before I left.

 

Afterwards we just sat in silence, enjoying the beautiful night surrounding us and our short time together. “You should move to L.A. with me” I heard Jared say, breaking the comfortable silence. “I live in this huge house…so theirs plenty of room for you”

 

“I don’t know” I answered, picking at a piece of grass. “What would I do there?” The fact of that matter was I wasn’t sure what I was going to do anywhere. I felt so lost when it came to my life, knowing that I needed to move forward and yet I had no idea how.

 

“You could do anything that you wanted Shannon” He got serious, turning to face me. “I’ve got you back in my life brother…please don’t force me to lose you again. I was so scared for you while you were gone and I almost didn’t go to Los Angeles because of it…but I knew you wouldn’t want me to hang back and be afraid and so I left. I sent letters to Grandma weekly begging for any news of you because I was determined that once you came home…you and I were going to be together for ever” Tears bled down his face and it made my heart happy to know that my brother and I were still has close as we once had been. “Shannon…I don’t care what you do. You can come to L.A. and mooch off of me for the rest of your life…or you could pick your camera back up and become a photographer like you always wanted to. I’ve been playing in a band. We suck ass…and we have like no following…but you could join it as well. Fuck Shannon…we could make up our own band. You could…”

“Ok…ok” I laughed, hugging Jared close before pushing him away. “Why would I want to take pictures of your ugly mug?” I laughed again, wiping at the tears of happiness lazing down my cheeks.

 

“Not to brag or anything…but I know of several publications that would pay big money to get just one picture of his mug” He jutted his face out in a strange angle, crossing his eyes before bursting out into laughter, causing me to laugh as well.

 

“I have to go home and see Gram’s first and then I can decide from there” I smiled sadly at him, wanting to go to California so badly with Jared, but not sure if it was such a good idea.

 

“Well I’m going to Gram’s with you and then you are moving to Cali with me. I’m not giving you a choice you fucker” He pointed at me, his face screwed up in a stern way that only caused me to laugh even harder.

 

“Ok…Ok…I give” I surrendered, realizing that I really didn’t have a choice anyways. “I have to talk to Tim’s mother” I grew serious, my heart dipping at the idea of leaving Tim’s mother all alone.

 

“Shannon…you can’t stop your life because of the death of your lover. I know that I never met him…but something tells me that he would have wanted you to live your life to the fullest” Jared said.

 

“I know” I sighed. “I just wish that you could have met him Jared” I replied, looking out over the fields that I was sure Tim had ran about when he was a kid. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved him. After we got together…despite the fact that I never told him this…but I could see a future with him. I never saw that with Tomo. I mean…we had plans and ideas…but something always told me that it wasn’t meant to be”

 

“I’m just glad that you found love Shannon. I can’t imagine what it was like over there…it makes me happy to know that he made it easier for you”

 

“What about you…any loves of your life?” I changed the subject quickly because I didn’t want to end our evening on a sad note.

 

“Love of my life…nah” He grinned. “Fucking my brains out…oh yah”

 

“I hope that your being careful Jared” I fell in big brother mode.

 

“Scout’s honor” He grew serious, holding up two fingers before bursting into laughter.

 

Two days later I said good bye to Tim’s mother. We both cried like babies, clinging to each other as we promised over and over to keep in touch. I spent a week at my Grandmother’s house, where she fussed over Jared and me until we felt as if we could go mad. More tears were shed as we said good bye to her as well, but as we boarded the plane for California, something told me that I was following the correct path yet again and that my life was yet to take another drastic change.

 

I lived off the good graces of my brother for nearly eight months before I pulled myself together and made a decision as to how I wanted my life to be. Jared had bought me a very expensive camera for my birthday and immediately I found myself as his personal photographer. The money was good and the job itself fairly easy, giving me a lot of free time. I didn’t know what to do with myself at first, but then one night on a whim I started writing down some of the stuff that was spinning around my head and I found that it calmed me. I began to keep a journal after that, just thoughts, ideas, some just stories and what I could remember of the horrible reoccurring nightmares that seemed to haunt me nearly nightly.

 

The nightmares started out as just that, simple nightmares that woke me up from my sleep, keeping me awake for hours afterwards as I tried to recall them. Eventually, they began to haunt me nightly, feeling so real that I would find myself sitting in the bath tub, naked and frightened to death and yet I had no idea how I got there. Jared begged me to get help constantly, it increasing when he found me walking in the shallow end of the pool one night, holding a broom at my side like a gun. I don’t remember much of that incident, but he claims that after many attempts to talk me out, he came in after me and I nearly drowned him, screaming at him in a language that he didn’t understand. I came out of whatever I was in, when he kicked me in the private area in order to break free. We both cried that night, holding each other as if for dear life and for completely different reasons. The very next day I found a vet support group and once again tried to get my life on track.

 

The support group was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. They helped me work through some of the fears that I hadn’t even realized were holding me back from enjoying a full life. It was nice to talk to others who had been there and who knew the horrors that I had seen. I made friends with a really nice guy while there and together we were there for each other whenever needed. Matt was the only one that knew about Tim, because I didn’t feel comfortable telling the group that I was a gay man and had lost my lover to a bullet. Matt told me constantly that he was sure that most of them wouldn’t have a problem with that, but I wasn’t willing to take that risk. Matt became my best friend and confidant and I thanked my lucky stars daily that he came into my life.

 

I rarely saw Jared much after the swimming pool incident and I didn’t know if he was avoiding me, or if he really was as busy as he claimed to be. I could understand when he was on shoots since they took him out of the state or the country, but when he was home, he was never around and I was starting to take it personal. That however changed the first time that he met Matt. I had taken Matt home with me just to hang out one night. It was going to be a few beers and pizza while we just hung out and watched some TV. Jared came breezing out of his room, dressed to the nines and ready for a night out on the town. He seemed to forget himself the moment that he entered the living room and saw Matt sitting there. He claims it was love at first sight, but I think that he thought of Matt as just another thing to conquer, so who knows. Matt laughs about it now, but back then he was petrified of Jared at the beginning, but I have to admit that he put on a brave front.

 

“Jared…Matt…Matt…Jared” I introduced the two of them as I walked into the living room, placing two beers on the coffee table and sitting down on the couch next to Matt.

 

“Matthew…” Jared smiled as he walked over towards us, squeezing his skinny ass in between us until he was practically sitting in Matt’s lap. I knew what Jared was doing as I rolled my eyes and moved to another chair. I saw the look of panic in Matt’s eyes as he looked over at me, and all I could do is shrug because once Jared set his sights on someone there was no turning back, even if the man was straight. I wasn’t sure of Matt’s sexuality since he had never talked about it much whenever we talked. I knew that he had been married and that his wife had sent him a Dear John letter while he was in Viet Nam, claiming that she was sorry, but that she had fallen in love with someone else. They divorced a year later and Matt had been single ever since. “So tell me Matthew…what are your plans for tonight?” Jared purred, still practically sitting in Matt’s lap, despite the ample room available on the couch.

 

“Just hanging out” I could hear a nervous twang to his voice and I couldn’t help but chuckle, because I knew by the end of the night he would be eating out of Jared’s hand. With a sigh I resigned myself to a night out with the two of them as I sat back and watched the rest of the show.

 

“I was just about to head out to a real Hollywood party” He was trying to impress, but Matt seemed to get control of himself somewhat and shifted away. “You should come with me…us” He corrected himself as he turned and glared as me as if to help him.

 

“I don’t think so Jared…but thanks for the offer” He smiled, grabbing the beer off of the coffee table and downing half the bottle as he walked over towards me.

 

“Well…maybe I could just hang out with you guys tonight” He was totally undeterred as he pulled himself off of the couch and walked over to where Matt was standing. “We could talk and maybe get to know each other” The last part was in the form of a growl as Jared reached out and ran his hand down Matt’s arm.

 

“Actually I think going out if a great idea” I finally piped up, giving Matt a small reprieve because I knew once Jared got him out in his comfort zone, the man was going to be a goner.

 

“I don’t have anything to wear” Matt rushed out; blushing like mad and I knew already that my brother was starting to wear him down.

 

“I’m sure that Shannon has something that you can wear in place of this shirt” He moved his hands down Matt’s chest and stomach, before stepping away altogether. “The pants will just have to stay since neither of us have anything to fit you…for now” He winked at Matt before disappearing into the kitchen.

 

“A little help would have been nice you know” Matt said under his breath as the two of us walked into my bedroom. “Jesus…he’s fucking relentless isn’t he?”

 

“When he wants something he goes after it…doesn’t matter if he’s straight or not” I replied, digging through my closet for something the two of us could wear.

 

“Shannon…I’m not exactly…” He stammered, but I knew what he was trying to say.

 

“Then just relax and let it happen” I smiled over my shoulder, knowing good and well how Matt’s evening was going to end. As expected Matt and Jared ending up being all over each other and after an hour of watching it, I decided to go home. I was almost to the door when I caught sight of someone out of the corner of me eyes. My heart stopped dead in my chest because there was no way that I had seen who I thought it was, but I followed him just the same. I was practically running, knocking people out of my way in order to get to him and then he was gone. I wanted to cry as I searched frantically for a man that could have been the spitting image of Tim, coming up empty handed once again.

 

“Shannon?” I heard someone say my name as I whirled around and came face to face with another man from my past.

 

“Tomo” I rushed out, before I was pulled into a pair of arms I never thought I would feel around me again.

 

“Oh my god man…I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that you’re here” He cried against my ear, but I was still searching for what I was sure was a ghost. “Let’s get out of here” I tried to protest, but before I had a chance I was being jerked out of the club and we were on our way somewhere of which I had no idea. We ended up at what looked like a run down set of apartments, hippies of all shapes and sizes just hanging out. “Come with me” Tomo took my hand and led me to a small room. It was dark and dirty, with a mattress thrown on the floor. The place smelled of urine and vomit and as much as I wanted to leave, I found myself staying just the same. We sat in silence for the longest time, my eyes continually straying towards the door. “How have you been Shannon?”

 

“How do you think I’ve been Tomo?” I asked, my voice full of anger at the nerve of such a stupid question.

 

“You’re still mad at me huh?” Yet another stupid question. “I know…I know” He cut me off before I could respond. “I was a young and stupid kid back then” He went on, my anger growing the more that he spoke.

 

“It was less then two years ago” I reminded him. “You broke my fucking heart and then just left me there to deal with everything. I loved you so much Tomo. I would have done just about anything for you and the one time that I needed you to be there for me…you ran away. This was a bad idea” I backed away from him, intending to go home and drown myself in the bottom of a bottle.

 

“I know…and you have no idea how sorry I am for it” He cried out after me, tears blazing down his face as he put a hand upon my arm and stopped me from leaving. “I was so shocked and so hurt when you decided to go fight that stupid war and…” He put his head down for a moment, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m sorry Shannon. I may not have believed in the war, but I believed in you and when you needed me I couldn’t deal with it. I hope that one day you can forgive me” I watched as he pulled a small bag out of his coat pocket, shoving a pill in his mouth before falling onto the dirty mattress, just looking up at me with sad eyes I used to love getting lost in.

 

I knew it was against my better judgment as I fell onto the mattress beside him, taking the baggie still held within his hand and downing one of the colorful pills. The pill started working almost immediately and before I knew it Tomo and I were making out on that dirty mattress. Our shirts disappeared very quickly as I began to explore a body I once knew as well as my own. Tomo was moaning incoherent words as I continued with my task, all actions coming to a halt as I looked off to the side and found a pregnant woman standing in the doorway staring at us. “Who is that?” I asked, pushing myself upwards because something told me that I wasn’t going to like the answer that I got.

 

“She’s my girlfriend” He replied, trying to pull me back down, but I wasn’t having it.

 

“That you baby too?” I continued with my questioning, finding my shirt and jerking it over my head.

 

“Yes…but Shannon its ok” He stumbled and fumbled to get up, walking right past the woman as he followed me into the hallway. “It’s all about free love here Shannon”

 

“I…I…” The walls felt as if they were closing in on me and my feet felt like they weighted five hundred pounds each. “I can’t…do this” I spoke into the wall, closing my eyes because I felt as if I was going to vomit as the air around me seemed to grow heavy. I felt a pair of hands on my shoulder, felt the way that they began to tug on me insistently and then I just lost it. I began to freak out, finding myself in the middle of the jungle once again. I could hear the gun shots; feel the heat of the day as it pressed down upon my sweaty skin. I could hear screams of terror and pain all around me, my heart beating so fast within my chest I just knew that if I didn’t die from sniper fire, it would be from a heart attack. I felt hands upon me once again and I began to fight for my life. I didn’t know who they were, didn’t care as I punched and flailed in an attempt to break free. I was scared shitless as my energy began to die, closing my eyes and accepting my fate as the world went black around me. I woke up sometime later, lying face down in an alley and I had no idea how I got there.

 

“Where the fuck are you?” I heard the worried voice of my brother answer the phone after I had struggled to find a payphone, placing a collect phone call to him.

 

“I don’t know” I whispered, feeling like death warmed over as I leaned my face against the cool pains of glass.

 

“Find a street sign…ask somebody…just tell me where the fuck you are Shannon” He sounded panicked and I felt even worse.

 

I could barely get my eyes to focus as I squinted through the glass, trying like hell to read a far away street sign. “Fairview lane” I was finally able to read it.

 

“Fairview lane…are you fucking kidding me” He belted out, forcing me to pull the phone away. “How the hell did you end up in the fucking hippie district?

 

“Jared please…” I begged, curbing the urge to vomit in the tiny booth.

 

“I’ll be there is twenty minutes. Don’t leave that fucking phone booth” He yelled, slamming the phone down before I had a chance to speak. I still had the phone in my hands as I vomited all over my shoes and pants leg. Like a walking zombie, I made my way over towards a street bench, falling heavily onto it.

 

“Bathe much you fucking jerk” I heard a young kid sneer at me, plugging his nose before getting up and walking across the street. I didn’t care as I closed my eyes and wished for death to take me.

 

I guess that I fell asleep because the next thing I knew I heard what sounded like Matt’s voice crying out somewhere around me. “There he is” I heard him say, but I couldn’t find the energy to open my eyes as I continued to sit there, near death. “Should we take him to the hospital?” Were the last words I heard before my world went black once again.

 

“Just keep him hydrated and away from anything other then prescription medicine” I heard a mans voice speak as I opened my eyes, closing them quickly at the hurting bright light. “The night terrors were probably caused by the drugs, but if they continue you should urge your brother to seek some help by a trained professional”

 

“Thank you Doctor” I heard Jared reply and then there was peaceful silence.

 

“Are you ok?” The silence was broken, causing me to curse internally because all I wanted was to sleep for the next ten years.

 

“No…last night was…horrible” Jared trailed off. “I’ve only ever seen him like that one other time…but this time was worse. It was like he was possessed”

 

“That’s what they feel like sometimes” I heard Matt say. “It’s like you know it’s a dream and yet at the same time it feels so fucking real and no matter what you try you can’t get out of it”

 

“You’ve had them before?”

 

“Yeah. After my first tour I had them almost every night. One night I broke into the neighbor’s house and tried to kidnap one of their children because I was convinced he was a Viet Cong spy. I was arrested…and when I woke up hours later I was at the police station and I had no recollection of what I had tried to do”

 

“How did you get it to stop?” Jared asked as I forced my eyes open and waited for Matt’s response.

 

“I went and got help. I saw a shrink for nearly a year before I was able to process through everything and they eventually stopped. I just have a nightmare or two from time to time…but they are never as bad as they used to be”

 

“I’ve heard him crying out at night…but after the first incident in the pool…I just found myself staying away from him” I listened as Jared told Matt about the night I nearly drowned him in the pool and it confirmed my thoughts that Jared had been avoiding me. “I feel horrible. Here is my Brother who is suffering and I am purposely staying away from him. I’m just so scared because he’s no where near the person that I used to know”

 

“The war is hard on everyone Jared…even those that haven’t been there” Matt’s gentle voice was soothing to Jared as he wrapped his arms around him and held him close. “You just have to be there for him and know that eventually he’ll find his closure” I fell back to sleep after that and when I woke up hours later, I had made a decision as to what I was going to do with my life.

 

“You’re not doing this Shannon” I heard Jared scream at me two weeks later as I threw some personal items into a bag. “This is crazy. Matt stop him”

 

“He’s a grown man Jared and if this is what he has to do…then this is what he has to do” I smiled at Matt thankfully, knowing that full well once I left he was going to have hell to pay.

 

“What he needs to do? Are you fucking kidding me? Why the fuck would he need to go back to that god forsaken place?” Jared’s voice was shrill and high and I could hear the tears there as well, but I had already made my mind up. “You’re going to get yourself fucking killed…that’s what you are going to do and then what Shannon” He had his hands upon his hips, an hateful sneer upon his lips and tears in his eyes. “What do you expect me to tell Mom and Grandma…that you went back to die because you couldn’t live with that fact that your former lover died there as well”

 

“Jared…” Matt cried out, grabbing onto my pissed off brother before I had the chance to pound him into the ground for what he had said. “That was hurtful and completely uncalled for”

 

“Why? Because it’s true” He screamed at the top of his lungs, but I ignored it as I rushed into the bathroom and tried to pull myself back together. I knew that Jared was going to be less them pleased when I told him that I had decided to reenlist into the Army, but I never in a million years thought that he would be so hateful and mean. However, the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe in a sense he was right. After that night and the drug overdose, I had thought long and hard about what I wanted to do with my life. In a sense I felt as if I was off course once again and that nothing that I did was going to set me right again. I soon realized that in some strange and twisted way that the Army life was what I was meant to do. I knew that I had been drafted and that I had been practically forced to fight in a war that I knew nothing about, but that I was actually good at it. It seemed that the only time that I had felt whole since coming back was when I was actually there. I knew it didn’t make any sense to Jared and maybe even Matt, but it made complete sense to me.

 

“I’m sorry Shannon” I heard my brother say through the door of the bathroom, pulling me into his arms the moment that I opened it.

 

“It’s ok” I said, holding him close because as much as I knew this was the right thing for me, I still hated leaving my baby brother once again. This time was a little different though in that I knew that Jared had Matt. In the two weeks since they had met the two of them had become inseparable and I for one was very happy with that. It had only been two weeks, but Jared had confirmed to me that he was in love, and you could tell by looking into Matt’s eyes whenever my brother was around, that he was totally in love with him as well. “I’ll be ok and I promise you that I will come back home”

 

“When?” He asked, clutching at me in an almost painful grip.

 

“I don’t’ know…but as soon as I can” I replied, closing my eyes and holding him close before pulling away. “Love you”

 

“I love you too Shan” He smiled at me tearfully, falling into Matt’s arms as I grabbed my bag and left. I was a tearful mess as the cab drove me to the nearest military base, praying to a higher power that I would get some of the absolution that I so desperately craved.

 

I served three more tours over there before the Army practically threw me out. The truth be told I was more then ready to go home and despite the craziness and loss, I felt as if I had been able to pull myself together. I had come to terms with everything that had happened from the day I got the draft notice, until that horrible day I had lost Tim. Most of it still didn’t make sense, but I had made peace with it and felt that I could finally move on. I was excited to start my life again so to speak, knowing exactly what I wanted to do and no one was going to get in my way.

 

Jared and Matt met me at the airport and never in my life had I been so excited to see anyone more then my brother. He had changed so much since I had left three years earlier and something told me that Matt had a lot to do with that. He seemed so much more mature and bursting with happiness that I felt a sense of jealously, but it didn’t’ last long before I pushed it away. I was determined to find someone to spend my life with, despite that fact that I still loved and missed Tim very much. I spent the first two weeks back home just sleeping, getting reacquainted with Jared and Matt, and trying to acclimate myself to civilian life once again. After that I found a job working with other soldiers struggling to find their identity after coming back home to a world that really didn’t care about them, much less want them. It was a shit job that paid nearly next to nothing, but I was happy. I supplemented my income by becoming Jared’s personal photographer once again, but my main focus was my writing. I had been keeping a journal of my days, thoughts and feelings religiously and at the request of my brother and a few friends I had met since coming back, I was considering having it published.

 

At first no one would even give it the light of day. It seemed that the war was still too new, too raw and my book seemed to be too real for any of the publishers to even think about publishing it. I pushed it tirelessly, nearly giving up until a small publishing firm decided to give it a chance. They didn’t offer much in terms of money, but I really didn’t care about that because all that mattered was that I wanted to get the word out there on just how hard this war was on the ones serving and how horrible it was to come home to a place that didn’t support our efforts. The book flopped within weeks of its publication, but for some strange reason it didn’t bother me. I felt that I was in a sense free of the ghosts that had been haunting me and for that I was happy.

 

“You should really come out with us” I heard my brother say as he was scurrying around the house getting ready for a night out with Matt.

 

“Thanks bro…but I think I am just going to stay in and call it an early night” I replied, rolling my eyes because it was the same thing we went through night after night.

 

“Shannon…you always want to stay in and call it and early night. “You’re only twenty three and you act like you are in your nineties. You should come out with us…find a man and fuck his brains out. You haven’t been out on a date in months and…”

 

“Jared…leave him alone” Matt said as he grabbed his boyfriend from behind and kissed his neck. “Besides he just went out not to long ago with that guy that you set him up with”

 

“That was over three months ago” Jared protested, not getting a chance to say anything more as Matt shot me a wink and forced him out of the house. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I picked up the book that I had been trying to read and enjoyed the peaceful silence that surrounded me.

 

The next morning I woke up to a silent house and that alone should have alerted me that something was wrong. Normally when I woke up Jared would be puttering around the house doing something to create noise, or listening to some strange sounding music that Matt and I hated, but he loved. “Did someone die?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen for coffee, finding Matt and Jared sitting at the table with strange, almost horrified looks upon their face. “Jared…what…”

I didn’t get a chance to finish my sentence as I caught a figure out of the corner of my eye, my world spinning and falling into disarray once I figured out who it was. “Shannon” I heard the familiar voice of a dead man call out to me as I stumbled back, hitting the wall behind me in my haste to get way.

 

“No…” I cried out over my shoulder, running for the safety of my bedroom, because I just knew that I was having another night terror. “You’re not real” I screamed loudly when my name was called again. “You’re dead…you’re fucking dead” Many loud and shock fill curse words flew from my mouth as I rounded the hallway and attempted to run up the stairs, only to trip over my own feet, falling to the floor with a loud thud. “I’m dreaming…I’m dreaming…I’m dreaming” I chanted to myself as the ghost of Tim continued to move towards me.

 

“Shannon…it’s not a dream” The figure spoke as he knelt down in front of me. “I’m real. I’m here. I’m alive” He went on, reaching out and taking my hand, holding it even tighter when I tried to jerk it away. “I promise you…I’m real” He said again, lying the palm of my hand upon his cheek.

 

“No…you’re dead. I watched you die” I sobbed, the heat from his skin warming my hand as I tried to come to terms with what was happening. “Oh my god Tim…you’re alive” I was a complete mess as I lunged forward and pulled him into my arms, holding onto him for dear life as I slowly tried to make peace with the truth.

 

As it seemed, Tim didn’t die on that fateful day that he was shot by the sniper, but had in fact been severely wounded and left for dead. His dying body was picked up by the enemy, where they brought him back from deaths doorway, only to torture him as a prisoner of war for nearly two years before he was rescued. He was then flown to a secret military base were he was nursed back to health and then interrogated by government officials trying to find any information that would help them with the war. Tim knew nothing except for the torture that was inflicted on him and how many times he had wished death to take him because of it. He was finally discharged from the Army and went home to see his mother, only to learn that she had died the year before hand by a drunk driver. The house had been sold at action and with nothing else keeping him in his home town, he decided to move to California and pursue his dreams of playing in a rock band.

 

He said that he had tried several times to find me, only to be told that there was only a record of my time served and my first discharge after my release from the hospital. He tried to find me other ways as well, eventually giving up when each prospect became dry and brought him to a dead end. He had no idea that I had spent any time with his mother and was moved to tears when I told him. We held each other and cried buckets of tears over her loss. I felt horrible about her death because despite my promise to keep in touch with her after I moved out of her home, I never did. We talked for hours, always touching and holding each other, afraid to let go as Jared and Matt just looked on watching us in awe.

 

I learned that our meeting again just happened to be a fluke in that Jared had literally run into him on the dance floor at some club they were at, spilling his drinks all over him. Tim admitted with a laugh that he was about to kick Jared’s ass for being so careless, but that one of his friends pulled him aside and told him that his name was Leto and he was a famous movie star. He wasn’t impressed by Jared’s stature at all, but the name nearly floored him as he ran after him. Matt was ready to kick Tim’s ass as he grabbed onto Jared and spun him around, both of them thinking that Tim was going to kick his ass because of what happened. What he got next was a line of questions and Tim falling to the floor as Jared hugged him tightly once they realized who he was. He told me that he was absolutely terrified at seeing me again and had fought an inner battle with himself to just forget about it and allow the two of us to move on, but came to the conclusion that he would rather die then let that happen. I was ecstatic beyond belief that he had come looking for me, but it didn’t last long at what he told me next.

 

“I have a wife” The words cut me like a knife, nearly killing me on the spot as I shifted away from him and tried to pretend that my world wasn’t ending once again. “We’re separated right now…but we’ve been trying to make a go of it”

 

“If you have a fucking wife then why the hell are you fucking here?” Jared cried out loudly, causing us all to flinch and his anger. “Why did you come chasing after me if you have a fucking wife” His words got louder, his face redder and as much as I wanted to know the same fucking thing, I felt I had to save Tim from his rath.

 

“Jared…its ok” I lied, trying really hard to pretend that my heart hadn’t been shattered in two.

 

“It’s ok...are you fucking insane?” He turned his anger towards me. “It’s not ok. There is nothing ok about the fact that he came here knowing that you thought he was dead…dredging up old memories…giving you hope…only to dash them with some bullshit story about he and his wife being separated. Get out of my house” He pointed at the door, jumping up off of his chair and grabbing Tim by the arm before either Matt or I could stop him. “Get the fuck out and stay out of Shannon’s life”

 

I wanted to stop him. Wanted to go after Tim and tell him that I understood and that everything was going to be just groovy, but I couldn’t. Instead, I let Jared throw him out of our home, just sitting there in shock as I tried to take in everything that had just happened. It didn’t feel real, felt as if I was in a dream state as I looked across the room at a silent Matt, receiving my conformation that it was all in fact real. I was enveloped by Jared’s arms before I even had a chance to escape, wanting to push him away because his closeness truly wasn’t helping. “Jared…leave him alone” I heard Matt say, but as expected my brother ignored him as he held me even tighter. I couldn’t take it anymore as I pushed him away, running for the door in need of escape. I could hear Matt and Jared arguing as I slammed the front door shut, but I didn’t care as I rushed down the driveway, stopping short at the lone figure I found standing on the corner.

 

“Shannon…” I heard him say my name, but I couldn’t deal with it as I turned and ran like a crazed man. I didn’t know where I was going and I didn’t care as I continued to run like a madman. I had no idea where I was as my lungs finally gave out, my knees hitting the ground hard when my energy level depleted. I cried, cried so hard that I made myself sick, only to cry even harder at how cruel and hateful fate had been to me that night. Exhausted beyond belief, but with enough reserves to pull myself upwards, I dragged myself to a nearby bench and fell upon it. I sat there for hours, just staring at the sky as I remembered the short time that Tim and I had been together. Granted it had only been less then a year, but the love that I felt for him felt real and never ending and it was killing me to know that he didn’t feel the same. I was dying for a drink, a joint, anything to curb the pain that was eating me up inside, but I couldn’t gain the energy to move and so I just sat there. Jared and Matt found me several hours later, both of them looking just as beat as I was.

 

Neither said a word as they sat down beside me. “I feel like I want to die” I said with a shallow and a deep breath before falling apart once again in Jared’s arms. I didn’t put up a fight when a moment later I felt Matt’s arms around me as well because despite the fact that I felt as if I had no soul left, I was grateful that I had those two to help me through it all.

 

For nearly a week afterwards Jared mothered over me non-stop. By the end of the week I felt so smothered that I was starting to get angry and as much as I knew that he was only trying to help, I couldn’t help it. I begged Matt to take Jared away for the weekend, explaining to him that if I didn’t get some time alone that I was going to explode. I could tell that he understood and after a long and drown out fight between the two of them, I was finally alone. I had nothing planned for those two glories days of solitude except to wallow and cry over my losses and how unfair life really could be. I had given myself those two days to purge Tim out of my system for good and then I was determined to pull myself together and move on. Life, of course had another plan for me.

 

I knew who it was the moment I heard the knock upon the door. I debated not answering it, cursing fate again for hating and torturing me so much. “You shouldn’t be here” I spoke in a monotone as I opened the door and found an equally disheveled man standing before me.

 

“Shannon please” He begged, still standing there looking about as fucked up and heartbroken as I felt. “I’ve been waiting for days for your brother to leave. I just need to talk to you”

 

“They’ll be home soon so make it quick” I replied, trying to keep my voice on an even level, but it wasn’t working.

 

“I saw the suitcase Shannon. I know that they are at least gone for the weekend”

 

“What do you want Tim?” I ignored his last remark, walking away from the door and him because his closeness was wrecking havoc on my senses. I wanted to touch him in the worst way, wanted to kiss him even worse and I knew that if I didn’t put some distance between us that I wouldn’t be able to control myself.

 

“I want to say that I’m sorry” I heard him follow me as I walked into the living room, falling down heavily upon the couch. “I want to say that I know that I should have fought harder to find you when I got back…that maybe if I had things wouldn’t be as fucked up as they are right now. I want to say that I still love you despite everything and that I am so fucking confused as to what I should do about it. I want to say that yes I love my wife, but it doesn’t even hold a candle to the love that I feel for you and…”

 

“Please stop” I cut him off, my heart unable to hear his words anymore as tears began to trickle down my face. We sat in silence for a long time, the only sounds being our breathing and the ticking of an annoying clock across the room. “How long have you been married?” I finally broke the silence, needing to know a few things and yet I wasn’t sure why.

 

“Two years…but we’ve spent more time apart then together” He said, my only response being the nodding of my head because I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to that.

 

“She came into my life at a time when I felt like I didn’t have anyone” He spoke softly, sitting down beside me. “I was dealing with the death of my mother, the war and I didn’t know a single fucking soul. We just started talking at a bar one night and before I knew it we had run off to Vegas and got married. I knew I was marrying her for the wrong reason…but she filled the void that was left empty by you” I didn’t say anything, just hung my head as I tried to control my broken heart. “I didn’t think that I would ever see you again Shannon” He turned to face me, tears matching those of my own. “I don’t know what I want anymore. On the one hand I feel as if I should fight for my marriage…but on the other hand life has given us a second chance and it feels like it’s the right thing to do”

 

“Go back to your wife Tim” My heart broke even more as I said those words, but I knew that I had to. “Our time ended there in the middle of the jungle. This is your time with your wife and as much as I don’t want to admit it…it’s where you need to be”

 

“I don’t know where I belong” He replied, reaching out and running the back of his hand down the side of my face.

 

“I think that you do” I said, closing my eyes and relishing his warmth.

 

“You make this it sound like this is such an easy decision to make” His warmth disappeared as he pulled his hand back, sitting beside me looking quite upset. “Are you not willing to even fight for us?”

 

“Why should I fight a battle that I can’t win? You’re married Tim. You have a new life…one that I wasn’t meant to be a part of. You think that I don’t want to get down on my knees and beg you to stay? You think that it’s my killing me not to touch you…kiss you ever second that you are here. I’m so fucking scared that you are going to walk out of this door and I won’t ever see you again and then at the same time I am even more terrified at the prospect that you may want to stay and I have no idea what I can offer you. I’m not the same man from all those years ago as I am sure you are not as well”

 

I don’t know who kissed who first, but before I could say anything else our bodies were crushed together and we were kissing as if there was no tomorrow and in a sense there was a huge possibility that there wouldn’t be. It was happening so fast and it felt amazing to feel his naked skin against my own once again, but in the back of my mind I knew what we were doing was wrong as Tim and I made love to each other over and over again. “Say something” He said afterwards as we lie locked together, covered in sweat and our juices.

 

“I don’t want to say anything because I am afraid that it might make this not real” I replied softly, closing my eyes as I shifted just a bit closer to him.

 

“Yeah…” He sighed, his fingers trailing up and down the center of my chest. “Shannon…” He broke the silence that lingered for a few moments, rolling onto his side as he looked down at me as I continued to lie on my back. “This feels right doesn’t it?”

 

“It does” I affirmed, staring into his eyes in hopes that he was going to tell me what I really wanted to hear.

 

“Are you willing to fight for us now?” He went on with his questions, never once breaking eye contact because I knew he was trying to see the truth in my own eyes.

 

“With every breath in my body” I exclaimed as I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down on top of me again. “I love you Tim…don’t ever forget that” I whispered against his ear, closing my eyes and relishing the smells, sounds and the feelings bombarding me.

 

“I love you too” I heard him say, and I knew that he meant it as he pulled back and gazed down at me through love filled eyes. It was right then and there that I knew that Tim and I were going to make it. I knew that there were going to be tons of obstacles in our way, his wife and my brother being the main ones, but I didn’t care. Fate had decided to smile down on me for a change and give us a second chance and I was willing to fight tooth and nail to keep what I needed most in my life.

 

The End…


End file.
